5 Steps to Survive my (wife’s) best friend’s wedding

So you are hanging out at the house one night, and you ask the wife,  “How was work today”?  Expecting the normal “it was great” answer, you pay half attention and say “yeah” when your wife tells you something about X person who asked her to be in their wedding.  You also decipher the words “I told her yes” from what she said.  Little did I know that to survive the wedding, I would have to employ ninja tactics.

You had no idea that “yeah” would bite you in the buttocks about 6 months and $500 later, but next thing you know, you look up and there you are.  The wedding is tomorrow night, and you have to be at there with a 1 yr old (who is the flower girl).  Lucky for you, the 4 yr old (the ring security) is also in the wedding, and your wife of course.  How fun!

Did you hear it ???  Yeah, that was money flying out of my pocket.

Now don’t get me wrong, I’m as happy as anyone to attend, be a part of, and celebrate this special day.   I REALLY like things that go fast, but am I going to ride in an F16 without a parchute and a seat belt?  Heck no! Likewise, you have to be prepared to survive a wedding.  There is no chance of  “winging it” with two kids under the age of 5!

My son was excited when he found out that he would serve as Ring Security. Paul Blart is envious.


1. Have a plan!

You may find yourself like I did, wondering “what if E (the 1 yr old) goes in to psycho mode and decides to scream NO! at the top of her lungs?  What will we do, will we leave, will we find a dark quite room to crawl into?  Will we pawn her off on the next poor sap who thinks that all kids are cute and that they can make her happy, even thought she is now blue in the face from screaming?”  To survive a wedding YOU MUST HAVE A PLAN!

2. Bring food!

Most kids, if they are crying, fit into one of the following categories:

  • Needs a new diaper
  • Needs sleep
  • Needs food
  • Wants to kill you and then drive themselves home.

Luckily if you have snacks, you can curtail # 4.  Bring LOTS of snacks!  Goldfish are a staple item at our house, and as far an I’m concerned should be within arms reach at all times.  Make sure that you have enough X2 for both kids, as most of them will end up either on the ground or in the carseat.

3. Bring a great smartphone app for them to play with

Our littlest one is just old enough to push buttons and swipe a smartphone.  While this may not seem like much advancement toward having her first Iphone, it is nice that she can entertain herself when needed.  I was planning ahead (See step 1) and downloaded an app that would let her draw shapes and colors, over, and over, and over again.  She did eventually get bored with it, but then I moved on.

The second part of this is to bring MANY different thing to play with.  They will get tired of each one quickly, so volume is the key.  Remember, you have ample time to sit and stare at the wall (I mean wedding) so don’t show your best distraction first, save that one for last… after you have tried all of the other ones.

4. Strategic seating

Never, never, never sit in the middle of a row.  You don’t want to be that guy who has to squeeze by all of the attentive, corn-cob-up-the-butt people only to have your kids kick them in the teeth as you are hurrily trying to get out of the wedding ceremony with a screaming kid.  Sometimes you will not have a choice, but if you do try and sit on the outside, near the back.  It will pay off, and did for me

5. Have a backup plan

No matter how hard you try, you can only contain young kids for a limited amount of time.  They are kids, they can’t help it.  So have a backup plan.  By backup plan, I mean escape route for the kids.  Our backup plan was grandparents, but if you can keep a sitter on retainer, that would work too.  Just let them know that you may have to jump and run at a moments notice and if they can come rescue you (the kid from you), then you will be all good to go.  We dropped the youngest one at grandparents house in between ceremony and reception

 Overall things ended up great!  Especially at the reception.  Once we had successfully delivered E to the grandparents, we were off to a good time.  Little did we know that the 4yr old had moves like Jagger…


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